This should be the final piece of this mini-project of mine.
The first project that I has plans on writing is going to be called ‘Stained Glass’. At it’s core, it’s about specific people. I may create this shard, but it remains in limbo– between reality and my thoughts. I have no claim over it as it’s meant to capture others, an exception from my usual norm.
I want to tie concepts with people, since it sounds like a fun project and a good learning opportunity for me. It’s stained since I’m coloring it with their shade. It’s the one I referred to in ‘Companies’, so you might have to read some of it to gain a full understanding of it.
Originally, I was going to create an integrated imagery, but that poses it own problems thanks to interpretation. It’s supposed to be implicit, but that leaves room for ideas that I don’t like– making it explicit wouldn’t make it fun. After all, half of the fun is in understanding.
In the few times that I focus my writing on specific people, I want to paint them with my words. I’m not much of an artist, I can barely draw a straight line. But, I’m worried that my paintings shall be too vivid. I don’t want people to draw a new bond from this painting when nothing changed, it’d be mortifying for me to deal with.
There’s also the problem of my writing, as I don’t want to sacrifice my normal writing flow for the sake of this project. I remember how the Military Guide messed that up for me. My solution for this is that I’ll add these concepts into my list of ideas and prioritize them once I find a suitable person for me to do.
In ‘Identity’, I mentioned my oath of anonymity towards the end– I didn’t forget that. It’s going to be… interesting to balance these two parts. I have to write enough about them for this glass to be stained, but I can’t let their motifs be visible.
In that sense, it’s going to be an experiment for me. There’s another project that I have in mind, but I’m not sure if I’ll commit to it or not. In ‘Ego and Death’, I said that I would keep my words neutral in terms of religion– to minimize bias and avoid opening pandora’s box.
In ‘Lumen’, I upheld my bond– making sure that my bias wouldn’t cover my eyes. In a few weeks from now, I plan on explaining certain concepts of my religion and write foundational knowledge about it.
It’d serve as a reeducation for me, since I do my research whenever I write. It’s been awhile since I visited those topics and it’d also help me deal with my bias. In the past, I used to argue and debate about my religion, as people tend to practice it in ways that either go against it or contradict it.
Looking back, it was a bit petty of me– but I still learnt a lot from it. People tend to become defensive if they’re directly confronted, especially so if it’s in a hostile manner. I’ve grown weary of those conflicts, since it’s not worth dealing with these entrenched opinions.
Sure, their beliefs may lack doctrine and conventional wisdom, but there’s no point if they refuse to open their eyes. There’s also the issue of the two extremes here. The first extreme here is a dogmatic viewpoint– an excessive form of religious policing. Their intent may be right, but their package is full of barbs.
The second extreme is a “progressive” viewpoint– to radically rewrite religion to conform to modern times, by extension a person’s desires. While their intent may be wrong, their package is one that invites people and allows them to pick up a pen as well.
In the past, I would be closer to the first extreme– but both time and perspective changed. I find that it lacks nuance, that it has a tendency to embellish a person’s self-righteous tendencies. It’s easy to deviate from this position, from advising to strongarming.
Above all, it’s a stance that will leave you with no bones– draining your energy up to the marrow. The idea was to maintain a religion’s purity by rejecting innovations– but I find that even a single disagreement takes you out of this fold.
While I haven’t dived too deep into this rabbit hole, I could still recognize the dirt that it left on me. There’s also the matter of contradicting yourself. It’s easy for people to conveniently forget a part of their religion when you’re in this hole.
I’m still opposed towards religion being watered down, but I don’t believe burning the water tank is a good idea. If anything, the smoke will call for more water.
It’s better to teach with a gentle voice than to advise with a harsh tongue, and that’s what I plan on doing. I also plan on deconstructing both of these extremes with references, as I have a few volumes to throw at them.
I’m going to define this differently from my normal essays by adding a preface in accordance to what I wrote in ‘Ego and Death’. After all, I made sure that I could write with a bias– as long as I disclosed that beforehand.
I plan on avoiding controversial topics since I’m not looking to argue about those topics. I’m not alone when it comes to religion, and I’m sure that my predecessors have already addressed it before.
If not, then there are many brothers willing to address it in their place. I’ve no mantle as an enforcer and I’ll explain that in the future. I feel giddy with anticipation for this, but I have to wait.
Ofcourse, this might change depending on what I see fit– but I’m not in the trade of seeking death so soon. I plan on writing about religion in theory, not about it’s practice since texts are more reliable than people– a trait more prevalent in today’s time.
The name of this project is going to be ‘Crescent’ in accordance to the same principle of naming that I had for ‘Lumen’. My intentions are better written in the content rather than the title, to avoid unnecessary attention.
I’ve become more open to experimenting like this since I realized something. I will make mistakes in my life, and that I can’t see all of these mistakes. But at the same time, that’s my own judgement– so why should I limit myself with this personal bias?
I already did a lot of stupid things in life. Sure, I may not like feelings brought by it– but I’m still going to do it. I got a lot of ideas in mind and I shouldn’t treat them so sparsely. It’s better for me to throw all of these seeds.
Some seeds may germinate while others may take their time, I have but a lifetime so I can afford to nurture them. I should be able to create these options for me to choose from, instead of believing that I can only choose.
It seems that I’ve been a bit miserly, a mistake that I’m going to fix. If I can’t stop my stupidity, I might as distribute it among this seed collection. I’m already a gambler, trying to read these probabilities– but it appears that I’ve abstained from the true game.
I spent my time wrapping myself around layers of theory, forgetting that reality has it’s own will– a variable that I can’t predict in my models. How ironic, I feel like I’ve gone astray by being too sane– as if I’m not mad in my own way.
It’s already made itself known, my entire writing career being a staple of it. I can’t throw caution to the wind, but time is short– I can dangle it from a window or two. But, there’s no need for me to dedicate much to this madness– it’s a part of my lifeblood. It’s just a matter of me letting it flow more.
I’m going to be more active in ideas and by extension, proofs of concepts– since an idea unsaid is now an idea wasted. I can’t tell you what to expect, as i don’t know. If I see an opportunity, then I’ll take it– it’s not like I have a lot to worry about.
I do care about being embarrassed, but my attitude about it is a bit pragmatic. People wouldn’t be reading my words if I really put all of this weight behind my emotions. Heaven knows that I’ve already died a few times from embarrassing myself. Yet I still live.
With this, I’m done writing about all of the topics I had in mind when I originally decided to write ‘Thoughts#2’. From ‘Dissent-1’ to ‘Thoughts#2’, it took me a bit over ten days to write all of this. It’d be a shame for me to end this off here, so let me write about this all– I’m not done writing this piece.
Let’s start by laying out the list of topics I wanted to cover. I’m going to save us some time by pasting the list;
- Why I don’t write about current political events?
- To defend people not standing for the Oath, and to tie it into forcing worldviews and expecting respect that is undeserved.
- My thoughts on this new project of mine.
- Me not trusting my readers to interpret shit
- Weight and laughter
- Anonymity
- Weaponized stupidity and proof-of-concepts.
I know I’m going to have some fun breaking this down. At first, I planned on writing this all in one essay. But, as you can see– I split it into different pieces since it would be too congested. It’s easier that way and also lets me dive deeper into those topics.
‘Dissent-1’ dealt with the first two topics, since both of them are civic in nature– so it’s only fair for me to group those two together. It’s probably the first piece that I pre-empted people’s arguments and developed counterarguments for it.
I didn’t have to worry much about the argumentative aspects of my writing, as it’s clearly linked to the central claim. The lines have been clearly drawn in this case. I tried to write in the same manner that a judge would write their verdict, but unfortunately I couldn’t add the words “with prejudice” to mine.
When a court takes action with prejudice, it means that their decision is final and permanent. Now, if I use it– people will interpret it a bit more literally. While I like the term, it’s not worth the confusion brought on by it.
Now, it’s not like I didn’t add new topics to ‘Dissent-1’. I decided to pull out a story from my past and use that as an example about conformity. Speaking of which, I decided to lump conformity as a target of my criticism since forcing a person to recite the pledge serves as a form of conformity.
If I already planned on burning the house down, what differences does it make if I burn the land down as well? I also decided to write a story from my archives since it’d make a good fit for this. Honestly, I’m more worried about writing about those stories but it’s an irrational fear.
I don’t think that it can weaponized against me or hurt me in some way, but the human mind is limitless. I have stories that showcase that limitless natures of ours, but I don’t think I need to pull these skeletons out of my closet– I’ve already buried them.
I chose to write about the idea of forcing people to stand for the pledge since I already dislike the thought of it. But there’s no point in writing a comment that’s no different from another grain of sand. Instead, I dedicated the proper amount of time and words towards it.
I believe that I wrote it broad enough for it to constitute a critique against an idea rather than any specific person.
From ‘Doubt’, I started to add even more ideas and thoughts. I spent a bit of time using my experiences to give a word of advice. I know that we may joke around and not mean anything when we wish to go abroad, but it’s a bit grating on the ear.
I recognize my prejudice, and I don’t want to weigh a person’s wings with pessimism before they unfurl. I’m in a limbo where I can’t blindly disparage my past but I can’t praise it as well. I can’t regret it, as that would imply a choice I never had.
Looking at the past and the present, life is… something. I burnt myself like a moth to flame for a smidgen of academic relief, but now I only need a mote of effort for me to live a stress-free life. It’d be a lie if I didn’t feel like I was cheated.
I didn’t really have any energy towards writing, so I only started it after I moved back. It seems that I’ve veered off-course again, so time to move forward.
Most of what I wrote in ‘Doubt’ wasn’t really planned out, I simply felt like a few topics would make a good fit and then tied it into it’s spine. The topic that got covered in my list here was about my lack of trust towards my readers to interpret my words.
Another way I deal with this problem is by simply explaining until there’s no room for doubt. I prefer shining the bare amount of light needed, as my work also thrives in the darkness.
I took another dive into myself, focused on the differences portrayed by my writings and actual self. At first, I was going to write about people’s idealization, not my own. I didn’t think that I idealized anything until I looked at my present.
I don’t think I wrote about it here, but people can also be idealized– a lesson that took me a while to learn. I borrowed from the words of the Leper King about the convivence of virtue, and applied that concept to my writing itself.
When I say Leper King– I speak of Baldwin IV of Jerusalem. While our faiths lead us to different paths, his thoughts and mine are aligned in this regard. Some of my words echo the thoughts of these past figures. It’s something that I enjoy doing.
The only topic on the list that ‘Doubt’ covered was my skepticism of my readers. We may breathe the same air but we still see differently, so I can’t pretend that they’ll see my vision as intended.
For those of you following, ‘Dissent-1’ covered topics 1&2, Doubt covered topic 4, and now I’m moving onto ‘Identity’.
I believe that it’s best for me to put some words aside to be read directly before I continue.
I know that barely anyone read my works. I know that it’s a bit much to ask a person to write thousands of words, and few would even consider the notion. I recognize how demanding it is to write my essays and that it’s a foolish assumption.
For the most part, when I speak of my readers– there’s only a single group that comes to mind.
They are people that I’d soften my words for, people I actually know and interact with– people that I like. You see, I have a habit of gatekeeping my writing– by extension myself. Some crowds simply aren’t the right one, and it’s not a trait that would lower their standing. It just leaves some distance.
Those of you who know me, who are reading these words are people that I don’t need to keep distance from. Some people might stumble onto this, but I don’t really mind as long it doesn’t affect me negatively.
I do some pruning, as sometimes it’s for the best that there’s a gap. There’s a lot to consider overall, but that’s a privileged matter. This group of people is the one that I’m most attuned to. In a way, there’re a productive source of trouble for me.
I can’t be too harsh when I write, a responsibility now put into writing. There’s a lot that I wrote and didn’t as a result of this. I’d be a fool to write my words haphazardly with the weight I’ve given them.
Now, some of us probably know me while I don’t know them– their curiosity leading them here. Those people should be non-existent for the most part, I don’t think I’m interesting enough for my name to be heard elsewhere, and I prefer that.
After all, I’d rather make my own impression than someone else painting a portrait of me. So with this in mind, you’re probably one of the readers that I’m referring to. I say probably as it’s not guaranteed. For all I know, anyone could be reading this.
In ‘Tones’, I wrote about my first tone– an intense one that is overbearing. It seems that I forget to mention this, but this tone is natural for me like my normal tone. The difference between the two is that I adopt it for confrontation, like wearing a glove.
In ‘Identity’, I checked off two writing topics. The first topic was about laughter and weight, so it should be two topics rather than one. The second topic was about anonymity since it ties into weight. It has a good synergy so I decided to write those two together.
While I may relish in the tone itself, I cannot stress on how I don’t like when I have to point this tone towards my readers. I feel like it’s no different than punishing them for reading in the first place in this specific case.
Instead I became both judge and prosecution, burying them under the weight of my words– only for myself to become the defendant. I wasn’t going to be weighed on these scales, but here we are. I still believe that my words are true. But, no trial is truly complete without a retainer.
My internal logic was true, but this trial of mine was never sound to begin with. On what grounds can I judge my readers? They are not beholden to me nor have I conveyed my desires appropriately.
My conclusion remains true, that my readers would inevitably disappoint me. Apart from that, the process was unfit as I used the word “audience” to release my frustrations– contradicting myself about not devolving to the point of rants. For that, I must apologize for this unbecoming display.
I thought that writing it with pre-built conditions would absolve me, as the reader would recognize themselves within those conditions. What good is this net if it’s silk, suffocating those ensnared by it?
I can’t erase these words, as it’s no different from tampering evidence. I cannot showcase growth if I hide my mistakes, that and how tedious it would be to modify it. So let these 961 words be removed from the word count.
This is applied towards the words pointing outside in my writing. Each word that faces my direction is still in effect. After all, I don’t need to worry about mercy when it comes to myself.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m denying those emotions. In my eyes, my grievances can’t be justified in an logical manner– but nonetheless they still exist. Sigh, a model example of irrationality.
This is the first time that I’ve reclaimed my words in my course of writing, so let this establish precedent. Even if I am to spit my own blood out, I shall move forward. My words about substituting the words of the living with the dead remains valid, even if I struck the majority of its sister part down.
I didn’t plan on writing about loneliness, nor did I plan on going through three different shades to understand it better. I simply felt like it was a good call, but it seems that I’ve been influenced by music.
When I write, I play snippets of songs on loop– hours on end. I believe that this habit of mine has undermined my judgement for this piece, but this influence should be fine. I already carved out the flesh that it rotted.
Now, I’m going to have to reiterate some words that I wrote a few months ago. Given the sensitivity behind this topic, I’m not gong to let people’s ideas fester.
In ‘the intricacies…’, I wrote that people will end up with the wrong impression of me if they don’t recognize a certain fact. I write to define my thoughts fully, rather than allowing them to float around and be slowly eroded by time’s touch.
The words that you read a mix of thoughts born just now and thoughts born years ago. By writing this thoughts, I’m articulating them in an understandable manner. So, this don’t mean that I was suddenly hit by a semi-truck’s worth of loneliness and decided to write on all of it.
It’s more of a constant in my life, a while before I went abroad. I am my own catalyst for when I decide to compile them into a whole. If I write about these topics, it’s not to look for help– it’s to record. I’m already predisposed against accepting help, let alone asking.
In this piece, I finally dealt with the remaining topics– to weaponize my stupidity for the sake of creativity. To finally write about ‘Crescent’ and ‘Stained Glass’, I’ve been waiting to write those two since winter break but I’ve been backlogged until now.
And with this, I’ve finally completed this project. I’ve sputtered my last spurt with this as my heart has literally been aching for some time now. I spent less than two days on this since I have to clarify certain parts and redact others before my holiday is up.
Sleep deprivation is another way for a person to lose their sense of judgement, but I don’t think it’s worth adding for ‘Identity’ considering how minor it’s impact was. There’s definitely something that I missed while writing it, but I can reflect in the future and add it.
Author’s note: I’d laugh in my grave if I predicted my own heart attack. This is the first time that I’ve had to big such a drastic change. I write with the intent of not having to take it back, but if it contradicts myself or has an error– then it must be done.
Mental note to write about parasocial relationships since it’s an interesting concept for me to write about. The demographics of my perceived readers is another trait that I have to worry about for undisclosed reasons. If I write it, I’m incriminating myself in some dimension.
Time is short and I’ll add anything I missed into the description of this part. As always, congratulations for reaching the end of this piece.