Originally, I was going to resume my normal writing after I finished that guide that I was working on. But, after a period of deliberation– I realized that my idea was a flawed one. I grossly underestimated the amount of time that I’d need to make this guide.
Another reason is that I already have a backpile of ideas that keeps on growing, so I’m afraid of forgetting those ideas and thoughts since they make for good writing material. I won’t be done with it anytime soon since I have to verify everything I wrote for truthfulness. There’s a lot of stuff that I still need to do with it and I’m only 4000 words deep in a document that will most likely go beyond 8000 words.
I proclaimed myself to be self-aware, a trait that seems to have lost a part of itself on me– as I now recognize that “boredom” can no longer suffice as an excuse for the amount of writing that I have done within the span of 3 months. I wrote my reasons yet it seems that I’ve stretched my rationality thin as I cannot articulate the irrationality behind my writing.
That aside, I have a different topic to drag into this piece. An algorithm that attempts to taint my mindscape– giving rise to a negative feedback loop. While I do enjoy my algorithm, I am not blind to its effects.
While I do recognize my lack of companionship, that does not mean that I should receive weirdly specific content that amplifies the expression of these trivial thoughts. I know that I’m not that embroiled in melancholy for me to relate to these reels that further reinforces a person’s self-identification of being lonely.
It’s a dangerous notion in itself to identify yourself with a perception that’s not your own. It is a blindfold that covers your eyes– slowly stripping you of your ability to identify and recognize yourself. After all, you alone possess the most accurate discernment of yourself– a perception that may be wrong yet remains true for ourselves. So if your own discernment has errors, then what do you expect from the perception of others– that someone else could describe you better than yourself?
It’s a fool’s folly to allow someone’s perception of yourself to be the basis of your identity. After all, you will make amends to this identity to tailor it to this foreign perception– engaging in a confirmation bias of sorts as you continuously shear away at yourself, becoming a tattered figure that no longer stands upright.
It’s a cycle that will continue until a mental dissonance occurs– the cause being dependent on the emotion or view that your algorithm targets. It’s essentially a poison for those who lack mental strength, marketing itself as a medicine. The only cure it will provide you is an implosion– courtesy of the echo chamber that it formulated. Whether you lay interred or recover from this is something that I won’t consider, there’s no point in writing it.
So while I may relate with such content, it ultimately cannot represent my intent as it lacks the necessary nuance– my writing serves as my substitute, aligned with my thoughts entirely. After all, I’m the one who’s writing here– I’m the one who writes my identity to cement it further.
Originally, I was going to tackle a broader subject on conflation,extremism and the algorithm’s connection to it, but I would be remiss to not consider how this may negatively affect me. In haste, I erased them– only to realize that I won’t be getting them back, as the size of my writing serves as a hindrance. In the end, I am forced by circumstance to choose a more simple topic to write about.
The gist of it was that extremism was being conflated with actual criticism → bad actor groups mistaking that criticism for support, essentially “one of us” → “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” not being applicable since both “enemies” are bad. The algorithm played into that since this conflation’s systematic tendencies could be seen in it. Since I can’t recover nor publish the actual piece, let this record stand in its place. Some words are better spoken rather than written.
Life is interesting in the way it gives me cards and then proceeds to dangle some in front of me– tempting me to reach out and take a hold of this poisoned paper. I admit, I want a lot of things from life— but it’s not worth coveting the cards of others.
Just as I have my own providence, others have their natural providence. I like to refer to them as cards since it gives the illusion of obtaining it. It’s a lie that I comfort myself since this providence is natural– meaning that it remains as an elucidate concept.
It’s interesting how our life feels like it was already determined yet there’s so much of it that remains unknown. If I was meant for those cards, I’ll eventually get them. Even if I sacrifice everything, these cards won’t touch my corpse if they weren’t meant for me.
That doesn’t mean that I should become a lazy bloke who waits for these cards– it means that I should move with life’s flow and live normally, it’ll be a matter of time before I get them. If I were to change myself and take such cards for granted, then it’ll slip through my fingers. In the end, they’re paper and are maintained with effort– I didn’t inherit any silver cards from my predecessors, my bills are ones minted within this generation.
It’s far better to accept these cards and to make my own. I may admire the cards of others– but I will not taint this simple admiration with petty vices like jealousy and envy. I send my blessings upon those who have that I want– to congratulate them and to console myself.
So while I may burn with passion, my flame still ebbs and flows with life’s stream. It’s essentially my way of coping with life since I can’t really exaggerate the desire I have for these cards. In the end, I am to temper this desire lest my flame dies out due to a lack of tinder or by partaking in indulgence.
Speaking of cards, I just remembered a reference that I can use– but there’s no point since it’d be off-putting and odd considering that I don’t really have a stake in that game. I might add benign references in the future about people in my writing– it’ll be easter eggs that will never be found.
I have a tendency to write topics that I deem as relatively personal deeper in my writing since I cannot contradict myself– I can’t omit them since I have no other way to express them and it constitutes itself as a lie. But I have no obligation to make those topics easy to find in the first place.
Since this is easily open to misinterpretation, I’ll make my intent clear here. This is a self-reflection, I am not specifically referring to any interaction nor am I blaming others for my inadequacies.
I love talking to others, but it remains an enigma for me. Every conversation is different from the last one, which in itself is normal– but it seems that my years abroad have made it harder for me to understand people here.
It’s a novel experience to say the least– one that leaves me with more questions than answers. It’s akin to playing a game of go, but this game is one that leaves me weary of people. I have a hundred questions– questions that would expose my naivety, so instead I watch to piece these experiences into a coherent answer.
I find myself stumped, as each person has their own portrait– each with different layers and amounts of detail. People are sketches– just watching them would be enough to understand the type of person they are. While they do have layers– my status isn’t one that would allow me to look at it. Sketches alone provide enough detail when I only interact with people superficially.
I don’t really like it, but if I can’t look deeper– I’ll base my interpretation of them on that. I don’t put much weight on it as it seldom differs from my assumptions. There are some people who lack these sketches in the first place– making it harder for me to understand anything from them.
Their layers have a tendency to be richer and more exuberant– but since I can’t even perceive their sketch, those layers don’t exist in my eyes. I know that there’s more than meets the eye, but that sight won’t be meeting my eyes.
Quite frankly, that seems to be most people– myself included, as other people serve to be the key that unlocks these layers. I would say that those who I consider as sketches are people whose traits are more noticeable. While I’d love to gaze on these layers– to understand and form my own interpretations from this, that simply won’t happen. I usually interact with others with a pretext– for me to unlock those layers, I would have to surrender this shield.
In a way, I’ve already abandoned this shield– as I have realized that the default nature of a pretext is one that expires, thus turning me into an unwelcome party after its purpose has been served. I do not wish to ruminate over my failed interactions– to soil a connection before I could bear witness to its growth. While I may enjoy the company of others– that too has its own pretext.
I’ve forgotten how to approach people without this crutch– a mistake that I’ve learnt too late. It is not like I lack any awareness of how convoluted I am. It cannot be the fault of others as I am both an outlier and a common denominator for the confusion that I harbour.
It’s a paradox, as I can interpret it as the result of my past not necessarily being the fault of mine. At the same time, if blame must be assigned, then I am the only one eligible. I’ll learn just as I’ve learnt before– but it is truly a bitter pill to swallow.
However, while I may not move first in this game of go– if someone makes a move, I’d gladly move along with them. But it seems that I won’t be able to play this game with the people I have in mind– I lack skill, opportunity, and time, a trifecta.
I’ve also come to the realization that my thoughts have been heavily influenced in a way that is detrimental to me– a realization that has come months too late. It seems that a past friendship that twisted the very concept of friendship for me– becoming a fetter holding me back. Ironic how I’ve considered myself to be analytic– only for me to be poisoned with a severe bias.
This realization has changed things for me. I don’t know how since I only realized just now. But only time can tell. My entire writing flow has been disrupted as a result of this. Sigh, while my moments of stupidity may be temporary, the effects outlive its duration.
My sketch is something that elucidates myself– I tend to forget the moments that I’ve been the most authentic in. My sketch is a person that oftentimes makes jokes– ones that should’ve gotten me in trouble by now. I joke around about a lot of things as I like people’s laughter. To make jokes, one must first attain a certain level of knowledge.
I don’t like this certain sketch, but I don’t think I can change it as it is an accurate representation of myself. I do not know how, but I believe that it undermines my own words since it won’t be taken as seriously– if I truly pursued my comedic talent, I’d probably become famous like Kimmel and then get cancelled like Kimmel. It’s like the aftereffects of getting drunk– when you get hit with flashbacks and watch in horror of your actions.
Alright,if I’m taking shots at myself– I might as well continue. Even if I don’t wear my headset, my hearing seems to have deteriorated with how I can’t understand people sometimes. That’s something else that undermines myself since I can’t really respond to something I didn’t understand. That sketch is something that would reveal itself after I’m comfortable enough.
My more normal profile is a spectator who speaks with the person sitting behind them. It’s usually because I find myself incompatible in some way or if I simply can’t make heads or tails of what I’m watching– so instead I choose to watch it and amuse myself in that way. It’s a risk-averse one.
I don’t mind helping people out– since it’s little effort on my part and that it’s a rewarding experience for me. It’s not because I believe that they should be inherently predisposed to this knowledge– people are a sum of their different aspects, so why should they be judged by a single aspect? I think I mentioned this in “Love of vertical ethics” about guiding people.
While I have a tendency to make jokes about using AI– I’ve already made my stance clear on AI in the ending of “Writing Style”. It’s been a month,so some of my views have changed since then. For starters,I still believe that it should be used as a supplement. But, for the context of high school, my viewpoint is more flexible due to the options succeeding high school.
If you’re using AI to bypass your graduation requirements since you don’t need that specific subject– I guess it makes it acceptable? A firefighter doesn’t need history for their duty. However, some knowledge is still fundamental as this erosion can continue to weather away at the average education of people. It would be most accurate to say that I would evaluate it on a case-by-case basis rather than my prior opinion casting a thick brush over it.
I also stopped using AI for my writing, instead I’ve started to use it to analyze it for a few different contexts like risk.
Another self-inflicted problem is that I seem to have forgotten how to articulate myself in a proper manner– thus undermining the credibility of my viewpoint. It’s because of my sketch and an issue that I should remedy with my voice.
Alright, for future reference– do not think about the future considering that it’s a mood killer when you have to realize that this is all temporary. To elaborate on the meaning of ignorance, I’ll just paste in the tadbits of “Repeating” and provide commentary if I deem it necessary.
“Ignorance in its purest form is not a sin– yet I still view it as an evil as man’s innate nature is to seek knowledge– irrespective of topic or worth, for the worth of knowledge is subjective. To remain ignorant is a sin that only serves to hinder humanity with a naive incompetence– one in which purposeful malice could never hope to match.”
If you choose to be ignorant, then it’s fine unless you want to flounder that ignorance. Don’t mistake it for strength. People who are ignorant have the tendency to be self-righteous until everything comes crashing down– wrecked by their own hubris as they cannot be reasoned with.
“There are those with grace, content with their knowledge yet no longer seeking it. They too are ignorant– yet they understand this notion and accept it, remaining with their kindred brethren until it is time for their departure. If I were to wear a hat, I would tip it to show my respect for such humility.”
The nuance to my interpretation of ignorance. If you choose to remain ignorant and you understand it and don’t meddle– then it’s permissible as it doesn’t affect anyone. Essentially me who doesn’t speak about art since I lack the aptitude to draw a straight line.
My mind is always on writing– so I’ve been waiting to write some parts of this for at least a week now but only decided to amend my own regulations to make this feasible. An interesting observation that I made in between this period of writing and my last published work is that I don’t really need a reason to be angry– I can’t tell if anger being my sleeper emotion is good or not.
All of my pieces written before “Censor’s Identity” were written when I was anonymous, meaning that I didn’t really have to worry about the consequences of my words– until I realized how screwed I am. It seems that I’m making a lot of observations that robbed me of my sleep.
To say the least, I now have regrets– since I know for a certainty that I am going to suffer from my self-induced cringe. The worst part is that I don’t really have an excuse since it’s been less than four months. I feel like I’ve had a lot of character development but that won’t work. Fuck it, we ball.
In between the publishing of this piece and my last piece– I’ve learnt that my sleeper emotion is anger– which makes a lot of sense. I usually channel it here since I’m tolerant of people– a useful trait considering my writing’s passion is derived from it.
It’s not like I don’t get upset at people, it’s just that I’m petty enough to remember it but not actually act on it– there’s no need for me to act since it’s short-term and isn’t something worthy for me to upset at in the first place, but irrationality go brr.
Another thing is that I usually call myself lazy, but it would be more accurate to say that I lack the motivation for a specific task. If I feel motivated enough, then I will not rest until my task is completed.
I owe an explanation to five people– I think? Since I’ve rewritten this piece I determined that the latter parts of it were too personal. Normally, as more and more people would see it, I would feel obligated to invoke the principle of Stare decisis– to let my piece remain as it is.
But, I mentioned before in “Thoughts#1” about me knowing when people view my pieces. With that, I notice spikes– and I predict that there’ll be another one in the near future, so that became another motivator for me to rewrite this since I don’t like revealing chinks in my armor.
I observed these spikes in the past and already drew the lines that connected these view spikes with a certain action or activity of mine. That’s why I claimed to know the origin of your gaze.
Since I would lack control over the audience my work would garner– I’ll make do with moderating my side. Apart from that, I was dissatisfied with it since I wanted to write more but couldn’t incorporate any more writing. It was a bit sloppy compared to its current iteration.
You five are the only people that I am obligated to explain to.
Author’s note:
I wrote a thousand more words than what I originally had in mind, this is proof of the laziness part considering that I started writing this in the evening and am now publishing near midnight.
There’s so many references that I could’ve added for specific people to pick up– it’s like finding gold but you don’t have anything to mine it with. While these references aren’t explicit enough for anything to pick it up nor would they be made with bad-faith– I’m still going to ask for consent to let my ethical concerns go to rest. Honestly, it’d be subtle enough for them to not notice it– but that would contradict a prior statement of mine and would additionally constitute a lie.
I might just start making references to my writing pieces as my personal laws. For the realization of the cringe part, I realized that after taking a quick glance at “Love of vertical ethics”.
Regarding the Kimmel part, I do not condone violence, by extension political violence in any shape or form. I used him as an example as the events that transpired with him are more memorable due to today’s polarized environment along with the recentness of this incident.
Now, I can publish a work that I feel a bit prouder about. I don’t think I can stress the amount of growth that I’ve accumulated over the course of my writing. Tsk, another reference idea. It seems that I’ve created a new argument with myself. I should ask people if they’re okay with it and then start.
I’m content with this piece. I’m happy that my own writing woke me up from my ill-conceived notions. Self-aware may be an understatement for me.
Anyways, congratulations for reaching the end of this piece.** 08-Writing Style